Things My Dog Has Tried to Eat


My roommate and I adopted this guy in July 2017 from Chicago Animal Control. “Sweet,” we thought. “This dog is only $65 and we’re saving his life. We’re gonna be such good pet parents.” The first day, we taught him to walk up the stairs, and we thought he was so well behaved. The second day, he pooped in our bedroom and a couple days later he peed in my car. “Isn’t this just like new parenthood?” we thought. “He’s a peeing, pooping, eating machine.”


Really, the peeing and pooping was our own fault for not taking him out enough. And, a year later, he's (mostly) housebroken now. But the eating machine could not be stopped, even when we thought we found the right balance. You see, Domino was a stray and all he knows is to eat first, ask questions later.


Please enjoy this completely true, completely ridiculous list of things my dog has tried to eat:



1. Diapers off a park bench.

[I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say it was a horrifying and smelly experience.]


2. Pillow guts.

[He ripped up a pillow in his crate and then proceeded to roll around in the fluff for a few days. And we were like “Cool, that looks comfy.” But no, he had to chomp on the synthetic pillow bits and swallow them until he finally threw them all up in a wet mass on the floor.]


3. Used undergarments.

[He loves nothing more than to carry bras and panties around the house and run around as fast as he can with them.]


4. Shoes.

[He tries to snort/lick the leftover foot juice out of them. Also, let’s talk about how every time I go to find my a pair of shoes, one is missing. It’s either A: in the back room (AKA his big lair) or B: in his crate (AKA his little lair).]


5. The windowsill (or general untreated wood).

[Maybe he just likes to feel the crunch of wood in his mouth…? But if I’m building something with a 2x4, he just HAS to have a little nibble.]



6. The top piece of bread of sandwiches.

[Every time my roommate has a sandwich and leaves it for even a second or two, she finds the top piece of bread (and a little of the insides) just GONE.]



7. Everything chocolate.

[Semi-sweet chips, Girl Scout cookies off the soccer field (in the wild Thin Mints look like smears of poop to sniff), M&Ms. Every time he slurps up something toxic, I yell “DON’T YOU KNOW THAT COULD MAKE YOU DIE?” The answer? Nope, absolutely not. He is a dog.]


8. R2D2 & The Hulk.

[The children who live next door frequently toss their toys out the window for Domino to find. He brought all of them inside and mauled R2D2 and then Hulk Smashed the Hulk until it was no more. The result? Little bits of white and green plastic ALL over the house.]



9. The spines of my old books.

[My roommate finds me shrieking because he tried to eat one of the old books that I was given as a child and that my grandmother used to read to me. What the HELL man? I guess dogs like the smell of old books just as much as I do.]


10. In other words, everything.

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© 2018 by Jestine Ware Chicago IL, USA